Friday, December 06, 2002

The Game

No, I'm not talking about the movie, but rather the book by Teresa Toten.
IT's a great book, it's for young adults... Her daughter and I go to school together. Sasha (Her daughter) is in the 11th grade here in Toronto, and is a great friend. She's addicted to sports though, which means that the only thing we can talk about in that area is Soccer!
LOL!

The book is about a girl who wakes up in an institution and has to put her life and memories back together after 2 episodes of alcohol poisoning, which got her admitted in the first placce. Not to mention the amount of physical abuse she had to go through as a minor from her father. It's harsh, but good. Her friends: Scratch (Allison) and another guy, who I can't remember the name team up and get through it together. It's very uplifting, and enspiring... I recomend it to everyone!

Monday, October 21, 2002

Canadians in WWII

Of all the days in my life and all the people that I have met briefly today and a certain man will stand out in my memory forever. Today, being the tentieth of October, and the man being a vetran of the Canadian forces sent to Europe to fight the Nazi's in the second world war.

Today I followed my father on one of the many buisness trips he has across Ontario to a small place called Petersborough... I think that's how I spell it. Petersborough is just one of the locations of a Legions club around Canada. In this club is where my father would be handing out medals to those who fought in the Netherlands for our freedom.

Unlike the French, we Dutch KNOW that we didn't free ourselves, and unlike the rest of Europe we are clear on who did. The Canadian armed forces were the main force behind our campaign for freedom in 1943-45.

For those that did not get a chance to read my IA, I researched the dedication of the Dutch to liberating our little country, but it wasn't until today that I, like most ignorant Dutch people born after the war, realised that our struggle was no match for what the allied forces endured.

The Man I wrote about in the begining of this entry, I am sad to say I have no name for. Like my hatred for my ignorance in some cases I also have a hatred for my short memory. The Ex-Soldier was a member of something called a highlanders bregade (They're the ones that play the bagpipes). Because of the vast amount of medals he had on both breasts I walked up to him and asked him to explain his medals to me. The first was a star and was in comemeration of fighting in Europe in the years of 1940-46. The second was for liberating Europe within those same years, but it was the third medal, in the shape of a circle that really blew me away. It was for inlisting into the Military services to help during the war. Here's the thing I never knew: Canada's Military forces was made completely out of volunteers!

Now, I sit here and imagine the movies I have seen, Saving Private Ryan, A Bridge too Far, All Quiet on the Front, and I think about how without these people I would be a GERMAN! Instead of speaking Dutch, a language that I am proud of, I would be speaking deutsch. Not that there's anything wrong with the language, but I'm dutch.

Anyway, the fact that these men fought and died for us without having to makes me not only love the Canadian people more, but also give me hope that there are good people out there afterall. In the paper we see nothing but hate. Heck, the winner of the World Press Photo, is a photo of a child who died of malnutrician and his burial. We see so much hatred in the world it is no wonder that we enjoy watching movies with bloodshed, because there is always a sense of hope lodged into them.

I don't think that we actually think about what goes on during war, the mental problems and the suffering people go through during a time of despiration. In war it just doubles. In history books we read the statistics and we see the pictures, but how many of us can even accurately imagine the emotions. Do you think you can feel what a young undertrained soldier who's hungry and cold is feeling. I don't pretend to be able to. I have never been in that situation. I have never had to be in a situation (thankfully) where I'm so scared that anything that passes me laster than a turtle causes me to wet my pants.

For years I have mearly been thankful for the Canadians for liberating us, as you coud ask alecia, but now, due to this one unknown soldier, I must be thankful to every individual Canadian during this time, for his aid in freeing my nation, and for returning the environment to that of peace where generations after them can live without fear.

Monday, July 01, 2002

Packing and Leaving

The packers are here, and my room is almost done. It's sad to see everything leave. We'll be staying at the Marriott Grand for 10 nights... It's a nice hotel, but I already miss my room, and no matter what you do to a hotel room (when you don't actually live in one, so Michelle, you don't count) it'll still be almost sterile. It's not that there are white walls, it's rather that there is such an impersonal feeling to the room.
I know what you're going to say. You're thinking: Maggi, who gives a shit?!
But, I guess I'm just sad to be leaving moscow. For four years I have roughed it out here, having to take blow by blow from all the inconsiderate people I know, and now that my room is almost packed I feel like Moscow has become the impersonal place that I first arrived in, rather than the colourful and inviting place that it had formed in my heart.
An idiot babbling, that's what I am. I'm the one who will be remembered for her constant ranting of culture and universal understanding in TOK. I'll be remembered as the person who loved X-files and couldn't keep her trap shut about it, and I'll be remembered as the only Dutch girl who was really truely dutch. However, I won't be remembered for me.
How many people actually remember people for who they really were, rather than what they symoblised or thought, or said? Again there's the impersonal issue. It's sad, depressing, and downright disturbing.
I'm just tired of all the bullshit, but guess what... It doesn't get any better from here. People will forever be lying, and talking about people behind their backs. They have no other lives. I guess that's why they say that the youth is wasted on the young, because when we grow up we just becaome all bullshitted (?).
It's sad....
It reminds me of Dr. Peggs's speech at graduation when he said: "It's life perverse?"

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Desperado

Do you know, I shed I tear when I listen to this song...

Desperado... Why don't you come to your senses... You've been out riding fences for so long now... Oh you're a hard one... I know that you've got your reasons... These things that are pleasing you will hurt you somehow
don't you draw the quewen of diamonds, boy... she'll beat you if she's able... you know the queen of hearts is always your best bet... Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid apon your table... but you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado... Oh, you aint getting any younger... the pain and the hunger, they're driving you home... And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talking... Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't you think it cold in the wintertime... the sky wants snow and the sun wants shine... it's hard to tell the nighttime from the day... you're loosing all your highs and lows ain't it funny how the feeling goes away
Desperado... why don't you come to your senses come down from your fences... open the gate... it may be raining, but there's a rainbow abover you... you better let somebody love you... let somebody love you... before it's too late.
Eagles (Hell freezes over)

Monday, May 13, 2002

A Beautiful Mind: Ramblings of Genius

Now, I know that a lot of people thought that it was a bad movie, but in my opinion it's one of the best I have seen. The very idea that you are led by dilusions and that they feed into your psychosis scares me.
When I was in middle school, a fiend and I used to play around pretending that we had imaginary friends. We would scare the hell out of people in class saying: "No! Don't sit there! You'll sit on Marvin!" They would move away looking weirdly at us, and we would laugh, or they would laugh with us and sit down, or they would just sit and ignore us, while we laughed. Any of these ways proved humorful. But watching "A Beautiful Mind" makes me feel... sad I guess. Not for John Nash, but for myself and my own immaturity.
As I grew older my idols have always been tended to the insane (With the exception of my grandmother). Einstein, Nash, and Darwin are just some of the geninouses that have changed the way that we think, interact, and understand. Einstein's theory or relativity took years after his death to be accepted, as was Darwin's theory of evolution (that we decended form monkies). They were thought of as not only insane, but they're minds full of nothingness and ludacracy. But how much does it take to be a genius? How much hatred, unaccepted fears, and desires must me face to overcome the barriers of society to be accepted? Apparently all the way.
John Nash was and is one of the most brilliant men alive today or has been in my opinion. His theory of Equalibrium has reshaped Economies all over the world not to mention allowed for break-throughs in the fields of biology, chemistry and Mathematics. But his price for his genius was schizophrenia.
They say that we cannot all possess everything, that there is some sort of balance. Either you're good in something and less good in something, or like the majority of us, there is some sort of balance. Nash ate slept, thought, and loved mathematics, and it was this driving force to prove himself to the world that caused him to become paraniod, over-achieving, and crazy. Up until the moment that he met his wife Alecia. She was his counter-balance. Her social and liveliness made up for his inability to preform socially infront of others, and it was with her love that he survived. Survived is perhaps the wrong word to use, but I have no other means of saying what I think he came out of.
The physical and metaphysical suffering he went through did nothing more than disturb him all the more, up to the point that his wife betryaed him and had a psychiatrist take her husband by force. Then it was not his mind that poisoned his mathematical rationalization. No, it was the medicine he was being fed. All his life all he wanted to do was Mathematics, but how do you do that when the processing side of your brain is being shutdown by medication, that is not only killing you mentally but also spiritually? Instead Nash decided to do it himself. Like a mathematics problem he solved the issue. He mearly stopped reacting to his mind's visions. New faces were questioned, and ones he knew weren't there were ignored.
But as I began, I asked how far will you have to go to be an accepted genius, and all the way is correct. Nash eventually got the Nobel Prize in 1997. If that isn't overcoming barriers, then I don't know what is. Is there a difference between a genius and being smart? Definately. Smart people make leaps, and do things that change the world on a daily basis. Genius's only come once in a while. They create not only leaps, but those leaps come at prices. They are the men and women who dedicate themselves to proving their theories no matter what the cost: their reputation, their families, or event their mind.
As I mentioned earlier, we feed our dreems, as we feed a child. But as we feed that child so do we feed lust, love, and dilusions making one wonder what eveything is worth, how lucky we are, and if our appitites are too big, or too small.
Scully: You're the genius, Mulder, I'm just a smart person tagging along and trying to keep up.
Mulder: You're not smart, Scully, you're ingenius, you keep my genius mind from hitting what all the others did: insanity. You make me a whole person, and as you owe me nothing, I owe you the world and more. I'll be indebted to you for the rest of my days.

Thursday, May 02, 2002

Episode 3

Here goes... For episode 2 look at Michelle's entry. :D
So, I've lost almost all table manners. Because my breakfast usually consits of a cup of coffee from the staff room, and a bagel that my partner's wife sends for me each morning, there isn't really any table manners to keep up. I guess that's why during breakfast with Michelle (Chris already left, he had an appointment with a patient who will be kept annonymous for the moment) I spent my time cleaning my gun. My newest hobby ever since I joined the force.
After breakfast I decided to go to town. I offered to take Michelle along, but she said that now that she had that book I'd brought her, she might as well do something productive.
Productive my ass.. by the end of the day she had done nothing but lounge around... But you can get that from her.
Town was as usual.. there was little to do... I wonder where all the fishermen dudes are?! I head for Christine's house which looks like a smurf hut. The garden outside is covered in toys from the four children she somehow pumped out. Her husband, Nick, who's become the head of the shrimp industry here is standing on the doorstep trying to get the two oldest children out the door, while guessing the wind pattern. I check that my gun is safely nestled in its holder with the safethy on, and I greet all the kids.
I say bye to Nick and I go inside trying to find Christine, who is meanwhile busy changing the diper of her youngest: Alfred? Yes... Alfred!
Alf, as I call him is making all kinds of giggly noises as the two of us try and get him changed. Christine tells me of all the problems they've been having lately with the family and the Shrimp. Apparently Nick's Assistant June was in an automobile accident, when she was hit by a truck. She's uncontious. She's been in a coma for what seems like months.
For lunch we decide to head to the pub and grab some food. Alecia makes some of the best grilled-cheese sandwiches I've ever had, and as I result I scarf about 4! The Ale is good too. I ask Alecia to pack me a bunch of sauages and walk Christine back home. I pick up my car and head for Deborah's office. Daniel isn't there, so I walk on through. She's got an associate whom I have never met before and I get him out the door before he realises what hit him, and Deb and I alugh as we spend the rest of the afternoon chatting about what's going on in the big city, and how her sister's doing... Liz just happens to live in my building.
Chris called me at about three and asked me if I could pick him up. Apparently Ida (who's his secretary) asked if she could borrow the car to go and pick her boyfriend up. (He was coming in from the city this evening.)
Anyway, I left Deb's office and I walked down the street to Chris's office.
(Here's a little discribtion of Chris's place, Michelle and I will figure it out properly some other time)
The sterile walls are the first things that strike me. I don't understand why psychologists always have sterile walls. They make me uncomfortable. I guess that's because of all the times I've been in the hospital to begin with. I always seem to get shot... Ask Michelle. She's the one that constantly has to bail me out! Anyway... I was talking about the walls... There are a couple of chairs in the waitingroom. Ida's already left. Her stuff is gone and her work place in maticulously clean. Such a neat-nick! I wait until his last patient comes out... Daniel! Wow... I never expected that... or did I? We exchange a couple words, but he looks like he really wants to get away from me, so I let him leave.
I walk into Chris's office to find him on the phone... With Michelle.. who else? And I browse around the books he has on his wall. "Criminological Theories" by Acker... Good book.. I have one of those too. "Psychological atrocities." Another odd book that looks vaguely familiar... ANd then the one I gave him a couple years ago: "Russian Military Psychology." I miss that book. I read it twice before I forked it over to him.
When he's finally finished with the call I look up at him and Smile. He tells me that we're in charge of dinner, and I inform him that I already have sausages! Woopdiie dooo! A few moments later we lock the place up and we get out locking the door behind us.
That night after dinner we spent our time playing scrabble... I hate playing with Nerds like Chris and Michelle... I wonder when they even find time to memorise the dictionary! After loosing by what seems like 100 points. Then I head to bed, spent by another day.

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

my dream... a trip to Michelle's

Last night, I dreamt about Michelle's house and my life in that world:
I am a city girl. I always have been, and I always will be. I was born and bread in noise, and I will always need it to survive. That's why I live in the city.
I've gotten a vacation. A man, who vaguely looks like Mr. Bower (my sixth grade history teacher), finally gave me a long weekend to go and get out. I'm a cop. The uniform I'm in proves this. My last case must have been tough, because all I can think of is the cool breeze, the salty air, and sitting by the fireplace and talking to my bestfriend Michelle while petting the dog.
My appartment is small. Living by myself, I don't need anything big, and my work keeps me busy. All my things are at Michelle's which is where I consider home base. That's my home. The place where I feel welcome and recharged. My parents are in another country, and my brother, Jan, lives in a large house elsewhere.
Walking into my appartment, one notices the cultural aspects of it. I must have recently moved here, because there are still boxes all over the place. However knowing me, that's because I don't have the time or patience to unpack.
(I'll explain more about what my appartment looks like in another entry)
After having my dinner I get back into my car (uniform and all) and I start the long drive to the seaside. My taste in music hasn't changed. I can hear "Carrie-Ann" and "My kind of town Chicago is..." Playing on the Oldies radio station I have on.
The drive takes what seems like forever, but finally I reach the village where the majority of my friends live. I immediately drive to the pub, where I'm greeted by Caldon and Alecia (Who have married? :-/ ) and run it. Apparently my usual is a draft beer, but I go for something a little stronger. What I don't know, but it comes in a tall glass, and it's a double something.
After talking with Caldohn and Alecia for a little while Ashleigh comes in, Ida's right behind her. They're talking about the latest soap I think, and Ash and I chat for a few moments. Then realising the time I decide I should probably go. I'm really tired and a good home cooked dinner by Michelle and a warm bed sounds perfect.
Then Alecia tells me that Michelle's called and asked if I could bring some things with me. I take the shopping list and head to the various spots:
1. The supermarket, where I run into Christine. We talk in Dutch about how things have changed in town. And along the way we run into Fahina who's looking at condoms? I don't really remember. After buying the things on the list I run over to the next stop.
2. The library. Michelle's writing a book. It must have something to do with her travels over the years, because before I know it, I'm talking to Heather (who's the librarian) and checking out a book called "Moscow, Russia, and Eastern Europe." I have one more stop left.
3. The town hall. I leave a message for Deb saying that I'm in town for the weekend and would love to see her and her family sometime. Her secretary who oddly enough is Daniel smiles and places the letter in her inbox. The guy's so scared of me. I think it might be the uniform. Atleast he isn't running after me in my dream!!!!
I get into the car and drive the last few miles to Michelle's place. Chris's car is in the driveway, so I take it that he's having dinner with us. Nothing unnatural. I walk in (the door's never locked) and go to the kitchen to put away the food.
(If you want to know what the house looks like got to Michelle's diary aka missy_angel_eyes)
Then I find her and chris in the living room drinking what looks like wine. I hug them both and then excuse myself to go shower and change. (Why the hell I didn't shower and change in my own apartment I don't know?!)
I feel at peace when I'm in bed later that night, and it's with that peaceful feeling that I wake up.
Quotation:
Bud talking to Harriet on the phone:
Bud: "Harriet, with your parents? no, no, no I am working with Commander Rabb and
Major McKenzie, they need me, yes its true.... no I am not, Excuse me Major but
Harriet would like to speak with you."
Mac: "Harriet ? We are in the middle of an investigation... but I'm sure we could spare
Bud for half a day. You're welcome, Harriet. Bye."
Bud: "Major, did you just sell me out ?"
Mac: "I'm giving you the day off, Bud."

Monday, April 29, 2002

hmmmm....

pensive....
What do I think of when I think?
Exams? no. I can't really be bothered at this point.
Parents? Maybe a little... I'm scared I'll dissapoint them.
Friends? Most definately. You guys take a lot of thinking power.
X-files? Do I need to tell you?
JAG? of coarse... Did you know my Danish channel isn't working, so I couldn't watch it yesterday. i pouted! and then went to work on my newest JAG fanfiction ;) In this one Mac's being stalked and Webb helps her out. major Angst.
Brother? No. I've given up on him
My ex? A little. I'm worried about seeing him. I wrote him a long letter telling him why I don't want anything with him and blocked him... I hope it doesn't backfire on me.
Magic? Yeah... I'm wondering how to beat Chris again.
Ash? Yeah... I'm devising a plan right now ;p
life? Just moving how it takes me. Not really thinking, just reacting.

Saturday, April 27, 2002

My Room in Michelle's House

hmmmm... I've been thinking of what my room whould look like. It would have to be a room I could feel some sort of connection to. So here's what it'll look like:
The outside of the door has a simple sign on it saying: "Mosquito's" neatly on a plack. Then when you open the door, the first thing that strikes you is that there is a large oak bed... queen size... with red and black pillows, and a black silk comforter on top. on both sides of the bed are oak side tables. One with 3 framed pictures: One of my family, one of my 11th grade friends, and one of my friends in Chicago, and on the other I have my gun, my wallet, my watch and my alarm clock, not to mention my autographed pictures of Tom Graidwood and Mitch Pileggi (both X-files actors).
Now, we're gonna move clockwize...
to the right of this is one of my two closets... This one has all my dresses and suits hanging. It's also made of oak... all the furnature is, and on it I have pictures of David Ducovney and Gillian Anderson nailed (aka Mulder and Scully). That's when we hit the second wall...
On this wall we find that there are 3 windows... looking out you can see the garden. I have my desk here, so that I can look out and work at the same time. I love to see the dog playing and trying to catch the butterfies that are there... I'm gonna try and get Michelle to plant some daisies and red roses right infront of my window. There's nothing else here on this wall. But on my desk I have a couple books, and 'the hand'. The hand was given to me by Nara, and it has flesh missing on the pinky of it. It's my prized sculpture. Also my very essence is located here: My computer.
If you turn to face the wall again, you'll see that thee wall is lined in book cases. To the left of the door is my book collection. (The door is located in the center of the wall) My personal collection is vast, extending from classics to mystery, to hisoty, to science fiction. Also there are about 60 binders on the bottom two shelves. The first set is JAG stories that I and others have written, and the second one is X-files stories that I and others have written. Next you have the door, on which is an almost life size picture of David James Elliot (sigh). Otherwise known as Harm! Then to the right of the door is another book cupboard. In it is my CD and Video collection. THe CDs are in the top 4 shelves and all the rest are filled with my videos which are alphabetized. The CD by group or singer and the videos, by title, with excpetion for X-files which is located once again on the bottom shelf and they're in order by episode.
This brings us to the last wall. There's a large light here which gives added light to the room. THen there is a small two seated sofa. To the right of the sofa, and cconnecting to the wall which has my bed on it, we have a large dressoir which has all my folded clothing and undergarments in it. On top is my TV, VCR and stereo.
Everywhere I have little bits and bobs... like matroshkas, lacquer boxes, fans, porcelain Dolls, and X-files and JAG pictures all over the place.
That's it.
TO me my life if I were living with Michelle, would be one still of somewhat isolation. SHe does her own thing and I do mine. Our paths crossing when we eat and when we are looking for company. Otherwise, I don't believe that it is a place I usually stay at... Wanting t be a cop, I'd live in a big City. Michelle's house is a place to get away from it all and recharge my batteries.
Well, babe, what do you think? If you don't like it I'll change it, but that's how I envision my room in your place.

Friday, April 26, 2002

At School

Well, I've finished all the scanning for the literary magazine. I've started a new story- non x-files and Jag- and I've got a whopping 3 sentances:
Anna moved slowly: her feet gliding as she crept infront of the door. Dante was right behind her, his had firmly gripping [And this is where Michelle and Deborah's imagination went wild ;)] the gun. She felt strengthened by his presence.
Well, that's all there is for now... We'll see how it goes. As I have written above, I am at school... Why, I've opted to stay here all day I'll never know.
I finished reading Michelle's story yesterday, which was amazing. I really like the character's she's formed and the types of relationships she's created. There are so many Ideas that I could load onto your story, but I won't. It's your work.... But let me know when you're stuck again and I'll spit some out at you again. ;p
Hmm... What else is there to say? Oh, Brooke and I practiced this morning to sing at Graduation. For all those that don't know, We're singing 'There you'll be' by faith Hill. It's coming along very nicely. I got Mrs. Wolfsberger to come and listen to us, and she almost cried. I'm really glad I put my jelously aside and really got working with Brooke, because we sound awesome together. There is still a little fine tuning to be done, but it sounds amazing. Monday is our next rehersal.
As you have probably noticed there are 36 entries now, not including this one. The last 26 are a x-files story. Can you believe that there's a word limit on these entries... apparently somewhere between 6000 and 6500 characters. It's nuts... so I had to cut and paste a lot.. I hope that there is nothing missing.
well... that's it. I'm just waiting for you all to get out of math Class... I'm sooooooooooooooooo bored. It's driving me nuts. Karen and I have been talking, she's sitting right behind me. We've both done next to no work on studing... hehehehehehhe... I just find these exams so funny... funny in the sence that my whole life depends on them and I really don't give a &%$!@*$!.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now I feel better.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went down a mental slide there... hehehehehe... well, that's all for now,
Quotation:
LANGLY: So, check it out, Mulder, today I had breakfast with the guy who shot John F. Kennedy.
MULDER: Is that so?
LANGLY: Old dude now, but yeah. Says he was dressed as a cop on the grassy knoll.
BYERS: And, Mulder, listen to this. Vladmir Zhirinovsky, the leader of the Russian Social Democrats? He's being put into power by the most heinous and evil force of the 20th century.
MULDER: Barney?
BYERS: The C.I.A.
From E.b.E.

Thursday, April 25, 2002

wow... it's almost over

I guess it's just hitting me today.... No more school. Well, no more classes. One more week and exams begin. in about a months time I'll have graduated. Then another week and I'll be in KL. Then another two weeks, and I'll be back, packing my room up and getting out of here. To tell you the truth it scares the shits out of me! I don't know anything else but school. How am I going to be able to function in adifferent medium? But more importantly, can I? Like I said, it scares me.
As for what I've done so far today... Well, it's 13:11. which means that everyone's probably getting ready for lunch. I've done a little chemistry, and I've worked on some of my fanfiction. One of my stories is coming along nicely, and I'll be ready to post it in a matter of days. Further, I did some more reading into Musolini. Checked my e-mail, sent a quick message to Vaughn, and I've seen The One... good movie by the way.... the action is amazing!
I still have to read Michelle's novel, then I want to do some work on french and biology, and I'll probably play the piano and work on some more fanfic writing. I'm completely lost on my x-files idea, but, as I mentioned earlier, my JAG story is coming a long nicely. Also I have my Sherlock Holmes and Mary Russell novel to work on, so that should keep me busy.
My dad left for Amsterdam this morning. He's got a speech to give tomorrow on culture in Russia, from what I hear, it's not what he really wants to do, and no one's really given any notion that they're intrested in hearing him speak, so he's kinda dissapointed by that.
Our Cook Tanya is coming in today to cook us dinner (Us being Jan and me) She feels bad that there aren't any adults around. My mom comes home tonight, along with my grandma, Aunt, and great aunt... they were in St. Petersburg for 3 days. The appartment's been kinda quiet without them.
The appartment's lonely, and I'm actually wishing I were at school with all you guys. Pathetic huh? Well, gotta run, more work and studing to do.
see ya tomorrow.
Quotation:
Mulder: hey, Scully, do you believe in the after-life?
Scully: I'd settle for a life in this one.
;) Iknow what she means!

Monday, April 22, 2002

One Day Left

Can we say extatic?! I had my last chem class, my last math class, and my last bio class today!
Guess what, there actually is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Michelle, I'm addicted to the car racing game! Brroooom brooom, Screeeeetttcchh ;)
Heather, We read tomorrow? :( pleeeeeaaaaasssseeee :D
"Fank ooh berry mush" Said the fox. hehehehe!
zat's it! Just wanted to make sure everyone knew I only have 1 day left ! ;D
Quote:
I couldn't choose, so today there are two:
Mac: "If you have some evidence I should know about..." Harm: "You'll eventually get it, and then you can plea bargain."
Mac: "In your dreams Cmdr"
Harm: "Ohh, you don't want to be in my dreams, Major?" Mac: "Red light Commander!"
Harm: "Red light? There was nothing sexual in what I said, and if you think there was, then maybe I should be giving you the red light"
And then:
Harm "Where were you raised?"
Mac "Where friends don't sandbag friends."
Harm "Thats somewhere in Ohio, isn't it?" Mac "Haha. cute does not work with me Harm"
Harm "I wasn't being cute. I was being funny"
Mac "Yeah, like when you fired that HNK in court?"
Harm "Well, I thought it was pretty funny when you ducked under the table"
Mac "I'm a Marine, Harm. Marines don't duck"
Harm "Well, what do Marines do?"
Mac "They take cover, but they never duck"
They're both from the episode Heroes
adios for now

Vaughn

I guess I'll talk about Vaughn today...
He's this guy I met on-line about a week ago. No... I'm not looking into him... He's just great to talk to. Someone different. He's a cop down in Luisiana (I can't spell it). But he's ex-navy, semi trained marine. He's great to talk to, I can tell him about anything, family problems, guys, school... and he tells me all his war hero stuff and the cases he's been working on. It's really cool. We have a lot of laughs.
He's like heather's "Big brothers" i guess... gotta run... exams await
quote:
MULDER: I need you on this, Scully.
SCULLY: You don't need me, Mulder. You never have. I've just held you back. I gotta go.
MULDER: You wanna tell yourself that so you can quit with a clear conscience, you can, but you're wrong!
SCULLY: Why did they assign me to you in the first place, Mulder? To debunk your work, to rein you in, to shut you down.
MULDER: But you saved me! As difficult and as frustrating as it's been sometimes, your goddamned strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over! You've kept me honest... you've made me a whole person. I owe you everything... Scully, and you owe me nothing. I don't know if I wanna do this alone... I don't even know if I can... and if I quit now, they win.
That's it for today,
Toodles

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

A Great 48 Hours

As everyone knows... a April break vacation for a senior + doing the IB = Studing for final exams. Yes, it's been a boring few days with an exception for the last 48 hours. Here's the aproximate itinerary:
8.30 Got up. I guess I'm still in a school mood because I got up so early.
9.30 worked on history. You should see this huge timeline I have set up in my room.
11.00 finallyafter trying to get Chris on the phone for who knows how long I found him on-line. TOpic of conversaition: wouldn't he look cute (and funny) in a bunny suit. Now I don't mean a playboy bunny outfit, but more along the lines of a large fluffy pink Easter bunny suit. Wouldn't it look great?
11.30 Biology ERG.
2.45 Chis comes over. He's playing body-guard for the Day. With all the Skinhead activity lately my parents wanted a guy with me... but he draws more attention to me, than away from me... good grief! ;p
3.10 We leave to go and meet Deb and Liz at Stockman
3.30 find Deb and Liz and wait for Heather.
3.50 with heather and Deb in Tow we go and eat.
5.10 Dad calls... I haven't made dinner for him yet, and It's a wild dash to my place. My dad's not happy.
5.20 we're here and my brother's on the phone... yippee... I miss him!
5.30 finally off the phon with Jan, Chris Heather and I go up to my room in an effort to play a game of Magic. Now, I play tournament rules, and haven't played in a while, but we soon find common ground. Heather's still trying to understand what the hell's going on. I hope she understands now.
6.10 After 2 games... Chirs one the first, I the second... we decide to do something else... watch X-files naturally. ;) First we watch Firewalker and then Aubrey. Damn Aubry is good... quite Scary. The three of us rate it as a great episode.
Apporx. 8.00 Chris leaves.
8.05 Heather and I decide to make some desert, and take forever at finding a recepie for which we have all the ingredience.
10.00 we call Deb. Neither of us know what a certain dish looked like... so we called Deb. In the end my dad handed us a dish and told us to use that.
11.30 We've finally got the thing in the oven. WE've put the topping in the fridge and cleaned the kitchen. On to my third obsession. The computer.
12.45 Dad goes to bed and HEather's reading my JAG fanfic... you never told me what you thought of it Heather.
13.00 We had our desert and went to get ready for bed. I worked on my story some and Heather played a little gameboy.
14.00 Heather's fast asleep and I fall asleep soon after.
Today.
11.30 we're both awake and crawling out of bed
11.45 Chris calls. Wants to know if I can come over to play D&D and Magic. I decide not to.
12.30 HEather helps me with some history. I have to do some work today!
1.00 I find a pack of cards and we tell eachother's love lives. It was really funny! Especially because of the guys we picked!
2.30 HUNGRY! TIme for lunch so we head downstairs, and while the Pizza's in the oven we make salad dressing for my dad and me tonight.
3.15 We decide to watch Sleeping Beauty I LOVE THAT MOVIE!
4.40 Heather leaves I finish watching the making of sleeping beauty.
5.10 Made the rest of the salad and stuck it in the fridge.
5.30 went on-line for some work
6.45 Dad comes home, and we decide to wait till after my chemistry lesson to have dinner.
7.00 Chemisty lesson. FUN. :(
8.20 Chemistry teacher leaves and we set the dinner table, we sit down to eat and... Mom calls
9.00 We finally get to eat.. the food's cold but we manage.
9.45 after a comfortable dinner I clean the kitchen and play a little piano....
Which lands is a 10.28 and I',m finishing my entry.
Quotation for the day:
They hear a noise:
Webb: What was that?
Harm: A pigeon.
Webb: A pigeon?
Harm: It's mating season. And sex is a full contact sport when you're a pigeon.
-JAG

Friday, April 12, 2002

Mad at myself

now I know that all of you have told me that it is human nature, but I'm still angry at myself.
A couple weeks ago... on April 1st actually, I tried out for the solo for Graduation. And after long consideration by the committee, I got it. However, 3 days ago I was called back, because they had rethought my decision, and they asked me to sing with Brooke. I have nothing against Brooke, she's plesent, friendly, and I like her, I was dissapointed though that I would have to sing with her. All my life I have had to sing in duets or in a group, and finally I had been given a chance to sing by myself only to have that oppertunity taken away from me.
Now, that doesn't bother me. What does however is that I am still agry at the committee for having me do this. I'm angry at myself for still being angry and jelous.
Chris says I'm only human and that I should merely let it be, but I can't it bothers me that I still feel this way and that it won't go away.
I guess I just feel like a bad person.
Mulder; "You should get as far away from me as possible, Scully, go and be a doctor, leave me."
Scully: "I can't... I won't... because if I leave now they win."
-Fight the future

Thursday, April 11, 2002

John

Hey all, I promised to let you know about Tom. I've been with him for just over two months. Well, two and a half- almost three. You wanted me to tell you a little about him, so I am. Tom's a Canadian, that actually lives next door. I don't know if I told you about the idiot I dated just before december, but suffice to say I got rid of him and started dating his bestfiend. Tom is really an amazing guy. He's in my school (failed IB history and IB chemisry) so he's redoing it. His best subject is Biology, so I help him with his history, and he helps me with my bio... well, for a while, until we get bored and just start making out. ;)

He's also my best friend and my driver and my movie bud, and my positive reinforcement, and my jogging coach/partner. Like I said he's amazing. I fell for him really hard, and next year is gonna be really difficult. He wants to come and live with me in Amsterdam, but I'm not too sure. I'd love to have him, but at the same time I'm scared to. My parent's don't know we're going out. They just think we're study buds and really good friends. They know that I get along with guys more than girls (usually). If they were to find out about Tom, they'd also realise that their little girl isn't so innocent anymore, and I just couldn't do that to them.

Ironic if you really think about it. My parents think I'm gay. LOL. Well, atleast I think that they do. It's a little odd. Here I'm dating the guy of my dreams and my mom thinks I'm lusting over women. I sure laughed when I thought about that. Isn't life ironic. I thought about telling her about Tom for that reason, but I don't know what she would be angry about more... a lesbian, or a non-virinal daughter. So, I decided to just let her be. Eventually she'll find out that I'm not gay and everything will go back to normal.

I'd e-mail you all a picture, but I have as yet to find a scanner. Tom's not the best looking guy, but he's lookable. I love his eyes. SO BLUE and mixed with his dark brown/black hair- irresistable to me. I could just admire him for hours. LOL

What else can I tell you about him? There's not much to say. He's very sports oriented. He's a baseballer and a total Blue Jays fan. He's gotten me hooked on the sport too, and I just love watching him play. I keep the score card while I watch. Don't get along with any of the other girlfriends. They're too airheaded for me. They come to be SEEN, not to watch. It's sad. The other guys on the team and I have such a great time. We go out and have so much fun. I can't drink here cause I'm under-age, but that doesn't stop them from buying it for me when we celebrate a win.

Next week there's actually Girlfrind Day. LOL. The guys are teaching us in the morning how to play baseball... I can't hit a ball for shit! And then they're taking us to see the Jays play. I can't wait! It's gonna be sooo much fun!

Well, It's 1am at the moment, and though I don't have school tomorrow I have to be in my chiropractor's office at 11:30am, and then Tom and I are gonna go out to see Bend it Like Beckham. I've already seen it, but I want to show it to Tom. He so needs to see what my family in Malaysia is like incase he comes with me this summer. Lol, will my grandma get a kick out of him. ;)

well, that's it from over here. If you have more questions ask and I'll post another entry.
Miss you all!

Monday, April 08, 2002

Pastor's Thoughts

I was talking to a couple of friends on-line the other day and we were discussing the definition of a cult. It was interesting to say the least, but I found that I couldn't keep my stand. What does define a cult? Are religions cults? If not, what makes them difference. I've pondered it many times since then, and I still can't put a definition to it.
Cultism has a negative conotation to it. When we think of it, some might think of satanism, the millenium group, the church of signs and wonders, I've even heard Mormanism, and Jehova's witnesses being refered to as cults. However, there are also people out there that refer to any form of foundational belief as a cult: for example Christianity, Judaism, Buddism, Hinduism, Islam.... I was shaken by these thoughts. It's not that I've never heard people refer to Christianity as a cult, it is more that I have never actually sat down to debate it with another person.
I guess, because I now have my diary I can finally write it down and organize my thoughts a little.
What do we see as a cult?
Well, in movies we see sacrifices being preformed, worshipping devils, congiry, a small sect of people that believe in something that is not taken as what the majority think, I guess. Definitions I found for them were:
-A religion or religious sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with its followers often living in an unconventional manner under the guidance of an authoritarian, charismatic leader.
-The followers of such a religion or sect.
-A system or community of religious worship and ritual.
The formal means of expressing religious reverence; religious ceremony and ritual.
-A usually nonscientific method or regimen claimed by its originator to have exclusive or exceptional power in curing a particular disease.
-Obsessive, especially faddish, devotion to or veneration for a person, principle, or thing.
-The object of such devotion.
-An exclusive group of persons sharing an esoteric, usually artistic or intellectual interest.
A lot of these can be seen in a religion. I've been really unstable as the days go by with respect to my faith. I'm not saying that I belive less, only that I've begun to question what's going on around me.
So, anyway, I talked to a pastor yesteray. (I'm a good church girl. i go and I dan't comment about if I have to or if it's right. Going makes me feel good, so I do. There is no question on if it correct or not. It just is.) Now, Pastor Calhoun and I didn't actually get to get into a lot of my questions and problems, we just merely scratched the surface. He told me that some people do see us as a sect. Not that's it's wrong to us, but to some others it is, Just like we see other groups as being wrong. It's bound to happen that we run across other opinions. He said it's not wrong to question, he actually encouraged it. He said that sometimes the only way we can be stronger believers is if we fall in doubt. I hope that that's the case with me.
I hope this is just a phase I'm going through. It bothers me that I'm questioning my beliefs. It makes me feel uncomfortable in the places that I once was, like church. It throws me off. I feel really off balance.
I guess that's why I wrote that quotation this afternoon: "When you talk to God it's prayer, but when God talks to you it's Schizophrenia." Not that God's actually talking to me, but I hope I can take the hints he sends ;)
Also, it's not that I'm straying from my religion. It's more along the lines that I need to figure things out, and I guess no one can do that for me. I'll just have to get past it myself.
So I'll leave with another X-files quote for the day:
"I WANT TO BELIEVE"
Mosquito

Kicking Myself

Well, I'm kicking myself today, because I didn't get enough sleep... fun fun fun. I have a head ache, my back aches, and my stomach's making all kinds of noises. It's driving me up the wall... beeb beeb beeb... just backing down.. hehehe. Anyway... my English teacher, the great guy that he is -not- just sprung a commentary on us, which I failed. Doesn't it feel great to be an idiot ;)
Only good thing about it is that I now have a half an hour off of my next class... can't argue with that!
Well, there's only 7 more days counting till I have no more school left.
And in a week my grandma will be here. Hora!
I'm so fed up of school. I NEED OUT! somewhere warm, calm, nice, where no one knows me and I am a no body. Like that... I'd probably get lonely though, so scratch that idea.
Well, that's it for now. I'll leave you with aa X-files Quotation:
Mulder: They say that when you talk to God it's prayer, but when God talks to you it's schizophenia. What's your god telling you father?
-All Souls
Kinda reminds me of the conversation I had with my pastor yesterday, but I'll talk about that some other time.
Mosquito