M.

Since I've been in University a number of changes have occurred. Among changing majors to English lit, and going through a drastic diet... the way I view certain guys and how I act around them has changed as well. For one, I've become more outgoing for the most part. The exception to this is M.. He's your average joe... the boy next door... sweet... intellegnt.... cute (in a boyish sort of way)... and really understanding. He's so different to me. He grew up in a small town off to the North of Amsterdam and he's really uncultured for the most part.... When I say uncultured I don't mean he doesn't have good manners, because apart from not opening doors or pulling out chairs he's great... he just was never thaught about art or poetry, dance, etc. For a person such as me (my parents are literally walking encyclopedias on culture) it's different, refreshing. I love taking him to a museum and explaining forms of art to him, and giving him background information relating to the history beind it and such. For example... he doesn't understand Chris Rock doing stand up, but he's willing to learn so that he does. His thirst for knowledge is addictive, and as I help him with his cultural roundness, he helps me feel more Dutch.

The clencher though is that I'm head over heels for him, and he doesn't seem to be picking it up. I've dropped more hints than usual, and I've tried to get him to do something... but he hasn't. According to A. and L.... Old friends of mine... he's oblivious to almost everything, and he's perhaps not matured to that point. But to tell the truth, his innocence attracks me for the most part. He'd be so different without it. Any help out there would be quite welcome. I'm too shy to approach him directly, and being a girl and running around with only straight guys, I don't really feel comfortable telling them either.

So as you can see a little lost here. He's coming over today to make pancakes for dinner and then to play a boardgame... but sometimes I feel like I'm more of an appointment than something else.

Especially after J. ... J.'s at Notre Dame, and having the time of his life. He's got a girlfriend and I'm really happy for him, (Even if he was an asshole) but at times I can't help but feel jelous that he found someone new and I haven't. Though he might come here next year for a half year abroad. He wasn't my first love. But he definately holds a special place in me. M.'s so different than him, but I can see myself with him for a long period of time.

J'll always hold a close place to me, no matter what he did to me in the end, but like after P., it's time to move on.